More than not, I feel like an impostor when I try to spend time with folks with whom I ostensibly share some specific trait (the one around which we are organizing, the one we are discussing, the hobby we are pursuing, whatever).
I feel like it’s just a matter of time before someone points a finger at me and discovers I never belonged in the first place. Rejected. Thrown out.
I never really know what the bounds are, only enough to feel that I don’t fit them. When it comes to trans stuff, queer stuff, I feel like someone is going to pull up some busted thing I said years back or some weird feeling I am working through now or some question for which I don’t know the answer and declare me an impostor.
It’s part of the reason my gender has developed as it has; it’s all *mine*. *I* define what my terms are and *I* define what they mean. Ultimately, though, if I am not going to be alone j am going to have to determine the Venn diagram overlap and try to meet with others. Scares the shit out of me.
I don’t want to hurt anyone, to intrude in spaces I am not wanted. To force my way into places I don’t belong.
Well, in terms of small safe-space type places anyway. I don’t seem to belong in the rest of the world but they can deal. I *am* pretty great in my own way some times.
If only I weren’t as crazy as I am I might be better at sorting out the paranoia from the legit concern. The concussion doesn’t help either.
Meh. I should be sleeping.